Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
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No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out