[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
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4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Nomnomnomnom
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”