Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
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When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
This hospital has everything
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer