@HavocMantis: Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn't, it'd be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
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@UncleDuke1969: Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant... Cut off from the world. Stephen King & Pixar present: "A BUG'S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME"
@djdarrellripley: Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary. Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary's case goes to trial...
@shanethevein: I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck. Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
@AlexRogaski: You don't serve tuna do you? "No sir, we don't serve fish here" *A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*