Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
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I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Ooops wrong house😂😜
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.