Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
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I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Risking my life for fun.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
How wrong was this guy?
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”