I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
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You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz