There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
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I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear