Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
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OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
This hospital has everything
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be