@Velocycrator: Whenever I'm alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I'm a carrot.
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@eyeswidebutt: [dinner table] gfs dad: so what do you do for a living me: human trafficking *he chokes* gf: he's a crossing guard dad
@idigcrazychics: You can't boss me around until you're older than the whiskey I drink. -subtweet to my GF
@galiamango: I'm pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
@msbhaven81: I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective