The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
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Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
no
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?