@astutenewf: Whenever I'm behind a college girl in starbucks she has to order a triple mocha dark chocolate raspberry ugg boot white iphone 5 spice latte
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@Mr_Bum_to_You: I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
@SadMeterologist: Police: How did they break in? Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside. Police: They found it? Me: They threw it through the window.
@musculardog: People change. Except for that homeless guy down the street. Pretty sure he's had the same clothes on since the 90's.
@dafloydsta: WIFE: Please take the trash out ME: Ok *later that night* ME: I'm having a nice time TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF