@mattgallo123: Whenever I'm drinking gatorade and wearing gym clothes I wonder if people think I'm exercising or if they know I'm hungover on laundry day.
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@nPhelendriqal: I just wrote a check for 6 dollars, so I don't really wanna hear about your 'summer' house.
@itsboyschapter: you never gotta worry about me cheating on you... i might eat something that was yours but thats about it
@mrsjohngoodman: I ran over someone and now there's a bunch of flowers where it happened. It's like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
@SteelFontana: If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They'll thank you later.