girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
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Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up