Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
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Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.