Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
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*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
That de-escalated quickly
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Home is where your toilet is.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?