Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
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[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
This hospital has everything
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this