Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
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“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.