@AristotlesNZ: Whenever I'm picking up my wife I skid to a stop by her & yell "Come with me if you want to live!" so she knows she married pure awesomeness
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@urmumsausername: Dear America Would you please take the 's' off the word 'legos' and put it back on the word 'math' where it belongs. Many thanks England
@EyeSeeYou619: [first date] HIM: So how was your OMG did you just pull a hot sauce packet out of your bra
@AdriannaLaCervx: I squish my belly fat around during serious conversations because I have intimacy issues.
@ShortSleeveSuit: Interviewer: Strengths? Me: Punctuality Interviewer: Weaknesses? Me [alarm clock sounds & I snort cocaine off of a knife blade]: NONE