I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
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The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
describing stardew valley
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Stick it to the man