[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
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Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.