Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
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Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
pizza
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
At an art museum and I thought this was art
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.