Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
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A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
😜
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*