Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
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Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance