Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
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[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
So that’s what we looked like?
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.