Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
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Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
#Caturday
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.