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[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!