@RelatabIe: whenever my mom criticizes me i yell “it’s probably genetic” and run out of the room as fast as i can
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@Book_Krazy: Calm down 'Fitbit' joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
@daemonic3: [helping kid w/math] What is 0.1 as a fraction? "One tenth?" Good, now what does 10% mean? "Battery low, plug in your phone?" Perfect
@scrirc: All the single ladies (All the single ladies) All the single ladies (All the single ladies) Have cats.
@LackOfShame: Nothing's sadder than the look on my dog's face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.