@RelatabIe: whenever my mom criticizes me i yell “it’s probably genetic” and run out of the room as fast as i can
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@ericsshadow: [talking to life insurance agent] Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
@ShittyComedian: Anytime I'm using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, "Did you bring the lube?" As loud as possible.
@IamEnidColeslaw: cats are the best because you can pet one while you're talking to someone and look totally evil
@lisaOoOo: A 5 day juice diet. They said I would "feel it" working in just 5 days. They were right, I've never felt more hungry in all my life.