The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
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a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE