@Phook75: Whenever my neighbor looks like they want to speak to me. I collapse to the ground motionless as if I were one of Andy's toys.
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@briancthayer: Kid 1: Hurt my elbow School Nurse: Here's an ice pack K2: *fever* SN: Ice pack K3: *diarrhea* SN: Ice pack K4: *decapitated* SN: Ice pack
@JaymayAllDay: I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I'm not sure, I can't make out faces so well.
@Jeffwni: - "I love Beyoncé... - Whatever floats your boat dude. - No, you're thinking of 'buoyancy'. - …"
@GrantTanaka: Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED [wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit] Jesus: OK I'MMA COME BACK LATER