Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
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One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.