@MomOfTeen: Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
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@timdonakowski: I like to mute CNN and imagine they're arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
@WilliamAder: Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants. Me: These are my legs.
@Eatingmeals: The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.