Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
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Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
I think I’m having a stroke
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw