@salmarch79: Whenever my wife forces me to write my own message on a bday card, I write it on top of her's and copy exactly what she wrote.
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@mattZillaaaa: Whenever someone tells me "make yourself at home" at their house, I always clog their toilet
@nathanfielder: Experiment: text your parents "got 2 grams for $40" then right after "Sorry ignore that txt. Not for you" Then tweet pic of their response.
@MatCro: [murder scene] MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
@Real_Dick_Head: Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.