@salmarch79: Whenever my wife forces me to write my own message on a bday card, I write it on top of her's and copy exactly what she wrote.
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@Lazer_Cat_: Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
@Ignorant_Indian: People out there are trying to contact the dead and you're telling me you can't text back?
@CherBear162: Did you hear that? What? DID YOU HEAR THAT? NOT "WHAT?"..WHAT!? What? *axe murderer kills both*
@protolalia: He paid me $150 for the "girlfriend experience," so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.