@iGreenMonk: Whenever my wife sing, i open up my room windows so the neighbors don't think I'm beating her.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@mompsychologist: 5yo after licking my face: "Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you."
@NoogsCorner: Cop: You been drinking?nnMe: No.nnCop: Say the alphabet backwards.nnMe: Alphabet the. nnCop: Hilarious. Say each letter.nnMe: Each letter.
@CorkyKneivel: I loathe tweets like "Be somebody's beautiful tragedy". Might as well tweet using a random word generator. "Be golf brisket honkytonk"
@WhatsHerFace33: A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed! Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.