Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
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If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Breaking news:
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
What’s a Messi?
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Oh my God.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?