“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
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I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.