I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
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May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs