Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
You Might Also Like
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]