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My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
What the hell happened here.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!