@briangaar: Whenever people are like "We need to restore traditional values to this country" I assume they mean slavery and burning witches at the stake
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@abhorrent_wife: Hi, I'm Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as "No, YOUR face is stupid" and "I didn't trip you, you fell".
@david8hughes: [interrogation] "What do u do for a living?" Jewel thief. "Louder for the tape." [leans in] Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
@liv_thatsme: I'd tell my neighbor about the weird smell coming from her apartment, but she's been so quiet that I don't want to disturb her.
@Brianhopecomedy: Ugh, I may have lost my "World's Best Dad" keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don't know where she went.