If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
You Might Also Like
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Never mess with a drunken pig.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”