Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
You Might Also Like
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Well, shit
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.