Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.