*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
You Might Also Like
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
#MeanwhileInCanada
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”