Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
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ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances