Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
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I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
OH. COME. ON.