Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
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What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.