Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
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The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them