Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
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I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.