Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
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you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8