@daplusk: Whenever someone hugs me, I close my eyes and pretend they're a donut
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@ktmcburr: I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don't know it right away cuz it's in their neck for so long. What.
@LoveNLunchmeat: I really relate to your au naturale selfies because I too was born wearing seven pounds of mascara and an eyeshadow palette of urban grey.
@caperbc75: *nervously adjusts fedora in Starbucks lineup I'll have uh, um, a mediu- I mean vanti, uh, mochacachito? Patrons: HE'S A FRAUD! GET HIM!!!