@daplusk: Whenever someone hugs me, I close my eyes and pretend they're a donut
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@XplodingUnicorn: I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
@hellohappy_time: Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn't have come if you're sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
@jake_lach: When someone walks next to me at the same speed I want to grab their hand and start skipping
@KenJennings: The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.