whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
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Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.