Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
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Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Lmao
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”