Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
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Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Don’t we all.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?