Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
how high up are we talkin’?
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
can’t bark with your mouth full
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.