Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
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What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
mathematically impossible
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.